Its time to change again!

It took some cyclical iterations of denial leading to a random lapse of health for me to finally realize that stress was catching on to me. Added to the physical exhaustion aspect was the preceding emotional meltdown - a directly correlated event where all my pent up frustrations and anger erupted like a volcano. Holding on to things is not a trait of mine, or is it? When it comes to daily life no one can stop me from speaking my mind. Direct communication while not appreciated by some is good for the mind and soul because one feels best when what you think is what you say :) Unfortunately, to my surprise I do not apply this style well when it comes to human relationships. Family, friends and coworkers with whom I have an emotional connection I let things pile on for weeks and months until its almost too late. This in return catches by surprise the affected other person who then makes efforts to revive - often too little too late!

Leaving aside others for a minute, I think I have not even taken the time to understand myself for a few months. Back in April, I had an internal debate and then again in May but procrastination and half-hearted efforts in areas of interest resulted in meager if any results. Escaping seemed to be the easier route which is what I did through June-July by traveling and making merry while enduring an onslaught of work. The laziness and escapism is evident even as I look at my blogger dashboard - there are some dozens of drafts that were never completed, ideas or feelings that were never synthesized.

While procrastinating my personal thinking and thereby postponing decisions for my future has been my modus operandi so far; its time now for making some long due changes!!!

First, where did it all begin. Yesterday was a glorious Friday morning - there were no 7:30/8 am calls with international offices so I took my time to get ready. Munched on some cereal while reading the news, took a long shower and then decided to ride my motorcycle to work after a long hiatus. Of course this required some preparation, finding the gear (helmet, gloves and jacket) and going to a gas station to fill gas and inflate the tires. This is where it all hit me! The malfunctioning air pump machine meant it took me about 10-15 mins trying to inflate tires. As soon as I was finally done, and ready to take my long due (last year daily, now monthly/quarterly) ride I felt the world spinning and I had to just keep sitting on the bike with my head down on the fuel tank. Removing the gloves and helmet and opening the jacket made me realize how hot I was. After a couple minutes of stillness I felt capable enough to ride back home. Once home I ripped off all the layers to realize my shirt and jeans were completely drenched with my sweat. Some glasses of cold water and sitting in front of the fan finally made me feel calm. Few minutes later I drove to work in my car completely cold with high air conditioning and went on with life. But the single instance of a random heat-stroke or severe dehydration finally made me think hard.

Later in the day, I went to see my doctor who after making all the checks (blood pressure, sugar, hemoglobin, thyroid, EKG) declared I was in good health and should not worry :) What I learnt while waiting through the different tests was even more relevant. I ended up reading this article called The Rewards of Relaxation: Why Slowing Down Is Healthy in one of the magazines. It reinforced the idea that wasting time or doing nothing is good - it helps recharge the mind and body. It also explained why relaxing can sometimes be especially difficult for women who are efficient practitioners of multi-tasking, to-do-lists and getting things done. The final point of the article was that a task focused mind is not free enough to think creatively - "When we're engaged in "mindless" activities -- taking a stroll, listening to music, soaking our feet -- our minds are free to sort through the accumulated information stored there, making connections and finding answers that a focused, directed mind is too busy to make."

This Friday was the first time in 7-8 months that I left work early at 4:15 pm to go see the doctor but it was a step in defining boundaries between work and life. Ultimately, its left to every person in the work environment to look out for him/herself and protect oneself from a continued unfair onslaught of work. Its apparently never been a priority on normal (exceptions always exist in small %s) managers radars to monitor and protect hard-working people from being burnt out. After all taking for granted is a phenomenon in every aspect of life!

As if on cue, I took this entire weekend to relax, sleep, read, watch TV and do no chores; for once a messy home rocks if I am totally de-stressed! I also took the first steps to focus and think about life and my real aspirations not those artificially accelerated due to tags of $$$s associated with them. Fulfilling a fortune cookie message from many months ago that still adorns my bedside table I committed to "Stay close to your inner self. You will benefit in many ways.".

No major changes have been made yet the seeds have been sown :) I have ensured I eat proper meals and sleep for the sake of sleeping not out of sheer exhaustion. In August 2007, I made a lot of changes and all the decisions worked out in my favor so I am hoping my annual 2008 retreat and the subsequent changes will all help me grow in the right directions towards a more fulfilling life!